[vc_row][vc_column width=”1/4″][vc_facebook type=”button_count”][/vc_column][vc_column width=”1/4″][vc_googleplus annotation=”inline”][/vc_column][vc_column width=”1/4″][vc_tweetmeme type=”horizontal”][/vc_column][vc_column width=”1/4″][vc_pinterest][/vc_column][/vc_row]I am Master J,
my girlfriend and me have recently entered a BDSM relationship. We have been together over a year and are finding the transition difficult. My girlfriend/submissive has a tendency to flip out of character and finds it hard to always remain submissive. I myself have difficulty in knowing my responsibilities of the role and at times I’m not consistent. It is not practical for us to join any classes and therefore are looking for guidance else where.
Thank you very much,
Master Bishop’s Opinion
No one ever said that BDSM was easy, especially when you’re just starting out. Let’s talk about how to get things started right.
First of all, begin with realizing that you’re going to make mistakes, especially in the beginning. You haven’t done anything like this before, and the new relationship dynamic is going to take some getting used to. So, before you go on, stop blaming yourself for doing something wrong. Move on. You’re going to do things better from this point forward.
The first thing you mentioned in your message is that your slave has trouble staying in character. I would say that she is having troubles being Dominated by you, because as you say you are not use about your role/responsibilities as a Dominant. The first thing you need to do is talk with her about what she, needs, wants and what she doesn’t want. It might be that you’re doing something that she doesn’t want you to do – and that’s what pulls her out of character. Or perhaps it is the fact that as you say you are inconsistent and so she doesn’t know how she is supposed to be acting with you.
A Contract To Hold You Both Accountable
If you can both set up a contract of what you agree to do with and for each other, set times and conditions when it will happen, it will make the transition much easier. That way, you both know what you are signing up for. This will make sure you are both held responsible for your actions.
Writing out the contract, allows you to be able to refer back to it to make sure you are both abiding to what you agreed upon. Plus, must things become more powerful and real when there is a physical representation of what it is that you are both wanting.
Once you have this in place, it might be a good idea to have some boundaries on your BDSM time. You might, for example, set up a time for when your partner will become your slave, thus giving control over to you and for you to be completely in control (on time). To signify this time, you could set an alarm, and you can also have your slave wear a specific collar or outfit to show that ‘normal’ life is on hold for a bit.
For your part, (new Master) you need to make sure you are being consistent with the rules. If you say that your slave has to look down all the time, for example, then if she doesn’t, you need to follow through with punishment. You can’t deviate from this at any time, or else your slave will not take any of your commands seriously.
At first, you will want to be very, very strict about everything you have asked your slave to do. You need to be vigilant about making sure she stays in character. If she stops, you stop the scene or you use punishment. But what you can’t do is let your slave get away with things she has said and agreed she wants you to control.
Punishments That Support Their Desire To Be Submissive To You
The best forms of punishments that I have found that work and allow your submissive to stay in their head are:
1) Corner Time: Have your submissive stand, kneel, stand on their tiptoes, squat or however else you would like them to be as they face the wall. Give them a specified time where they will wait and think about what they have done wrong to warrant this punishment as you should have explained to them why they are being punished before sending them to the corner. When their time is up or when you allow them out of the corner, ask them if they are sorry and what they are sorry for. If they don’t know why they should be sorry or what they did wrong, you can do one of three things. You can either, end the scene and discuss in more detail outside of the scene why you felt it was important to stop the scene so you could talk about what your submissive has done wrong. You can send them back into the corner to think about why they should be sorry. Or you can proceed to any of the other punishments.
2) Write Lines: It sucked having to do them as a kid in school when you did something wrong and it still sucks to do them as an adult. Have your submissive write out how they are sorry for what they have done wrong one hundred times. For example:
If your submissive rolls their eyes when you give them a command, have them write out the phrase “This submissive is sorry for rolling her eyes at her Master and she will never do it again” 100x
The next times you give her a command she will remember not to roll her eyes again.
3) Write An Apology Letter: Have your submissive sit down and actually write a heartfelt apology letter. Then they can kneel before you as they read this apology letter. If this letter does not meet your satisfaction either have her do it again or proceed with one of the other punishments to give them time to think before rewriting the letter.
The apology letter should include:
* What they did wrong
* Why they chose to commit this act
* Why they are sorry for doing it
* What they will do to make sure it never happens again
Physical punishments tend to just teach a masochistic submissive to misbehave so they can be punished, which is the exact opposite of what you want to do. These kinds of punishments help to reinforce that you are disappointed (which tends to be punishment enough for most subs) and that they should feel sorry for doing something that they agreed they would not do in their contract.
Most people get into a Dominant/submissive relationship because it excites them and it feels good. So its human nature for people to want to avoid moments like these punishments.
Debriefing To Nurture Your Relationship
Always especially when first starting out or trying something new, have a period of conversation after each of your sessions (a debriefing): what worked, what didn’t work, etc. This will help you learn how you can control her and you can tell her how you want to use your power as well. This also give your submissive a chance to let you know how they felt through the scene, what worked for them, what didn’t work, what things you might need to take responsibility for that you agreed to in the contract, etc. Be open with each other, be honest, the point is not to hurt each other or to only point out what you are each doing wrong, but what you can do to make your Dominant/submissive relationship more enjoy for the both of you.
It’s not an easy transition, but the more consistent you are and the more submissive she becomes because she trusts you to be in control, the more fun you will both have.
No Master/slave relationship looks the same, so take your time to figure out what yours might look like. And realize that any slave can be trained, when you have communication, trust, love, support, and a willingness on both sides followed by consistent instruction, and a solid training plan.
She will submit to you, even if she fights in the beginning. Eventually, she will become the slave you want her to be – and the slave she wants to be as well.
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