I’m an ex Dom who’s now wanting to be a submissive, I`m seeing a Dom who’s turned out to be a manipulator, but I’m hooked and I’m finding it hard to break free from him because of the way I feel about him, and I’ve broken one of my rules, which is NEVER date anyone you work with. And when I make him mad he sulks for days and I don’t hear from him. I really need some advice please
Master Bishop’s Opinion
It sounds like you’re in quite the situation right now, and I have to say that your Dominant history could possibly help you get back out of it.
First let me say that you should not beat yourself over breaking your rule to never date anyone from work. Don’t get me wrong, I understand your rule but considering the one thing we spend more time doing than anything else is working. For many people, we spend more time around coworkers than our own family, friends and loved ones. It is not surprising to see that eventually many people can find an attraction building for a coworker.
While the stats vary the trends don’t lie:
Between 38 – 51% of professionals have dated a coworker at one point in their career.
16 – 31% of work relationships have led to marriage.
Depending on which statistics you believe, the point is many people break the dating a coworker rule and office romances are actually more successful in leading to the altar than meeting a romantic partner in any other way.
This is not to convince you that dating in the workplace is a good idea, just to point out it happens, it is far more common than many of us realize. While not dating a coworker can help you to avoid a situation like you are currently in, all you can do now is focus on what you need to do moving forward.
Take this situation as an opportunity to learn and grow from.
You may find the following articles helpful to remind yourself of the type of individual you potentially may want to avoid entering into a Dom/sub relationship with in the future.
How To Tell The Difference Between Fake Dominants and Real Dominants
Knowing And Understanding the Difference Between BDSM And Abuse
With that said, after reading your question it sounds like you have mistaken the submissive role for being someone who doesn’t get to what he or she wants/needs. This is far from the case. As a submissive, you are entitled to having the relationship you want, from what you want in the bedroom/dungeon to what you want outside of the bedroom.
And while you might create a contract, what you want and need in a relationship is NOT up for debate. While W/we all compromise and accept things in relationships, your core wants and needs should never be ignored.
To me, it sounds like you’re giving your power away to someone who doesn’t want the responsibility that comes with it. Though this might be a part of what some D/s relationships look like it takes a huge amount of time and trust before you should ever even consider giving your submission to someone. You are seeing why you should always go slow into giving another person your submission every time he tries to manipulate you or refuses to deal with you if you don’t do what he wants. Both are not good characteristics for a Dominant to have. Again please refer to the infographic about the difference between good and bad Dominants.
When you give all of your power away to someone who has not earned it, up to the task to handle the responsibility and proven they are trustworthy you can put yourself in a very dangerous situation.
This Dominant sounds like they don’t know what they’re doing in terms of a safe, sane, and consensual relationship or in how to just respect their partner as a person with feelings and needs. They sound like someone who just wants to get their rocks off and who doesn’t care about how their submissive feels in achieving that goal.
Let me ask this – how were you when took control of your submissives? Did you think about their feelings? Did you care if they felt safe and supported? Did you ever ignore them and try to manipulate them to get what you wanted at their expense? Stop and ponder that for a moment.
If you were a Dominant that didn’t care…I want you to know that was NOT the way to have handled those submissives. And now you’re finding out why.
If you were a Dominant that did care…You Dominated subs the way you did because that is what you felt was best. Now you find yourself in the submissive role, why would you accept anything less for yourself?
You realize you’re in a bad situation right now. You acknowledge this person is a manipulator and someone who plays with you to make sure you remain hooked on them. Not because it is what is best or healthy for you, but because it is just what they want.
This is not how a Dominant/submissive or Master/slave relationship should be. Submission is a beautiful act because despite of all the choices a submissive has in their life, they choose to submit to their Dominant. They do not submit because they are forced or are manipulated into doing so, that is not submission but coercion through duress.
This sounds unhealthy and scary and I would suggest it is time to walk away but that is just My opinion. There obviously is more to this story than what you have shared here.
If You Do Decide To End Things
(I would suggest seeking professional legal counsel and/or the human resources department to best navigate relationships in the workplace. I can only give My opinion on a very limited amount of information and have to make a number of assumptions)
First let them know that you are not able to continue with the relationship. Be cordial and nice, remember you will have to work with this person. So do what you can to end on friendly terms, I know that can be extremely difficult under the circumstances but you both entered this relationship as consenting mature adults try your best to leave the same way.
With that said, you can only control your reactions in life, you can not control his, so if he becomes angry, lashes out or tries to manipulate you, then leave. As you walk away know you did all you could and this person has just proven why you needed to breakup with them in the first place.
Now that you have clearly communicated that the relationship is over, cut off all contact, I only suggest that because of his past history of manipulation. The less you speak to this person, the less likely they are to manipulate you further. Don’t let them speak to you or see you. If necessary, I recommend staying with a friend or family member for a few days to show that you are truly out of contact and you want to remain that way. There is no reason to ever communicate again on any level other than on a professional level during office hours.
It might not be easy. I’ve certainly known people who have made me feel I couldn’t live without them. But you can live without them. You will.
When you’re out of contact, you should start thinking about all of the things they have done that have hurt you or that have messed with you. Make a list. Every time you start to think about missing this person, read that list over again. Remind yourself that you need to be away from this person because they are not worth your time or your energy.
They do not deserve you.
In The Workplace
Since you apparently work together, you will need to find ways to stay professional at the workplace so you don’t cause any harm to your position and standing in the workplace. I recommend always having someone else with you when you communicate with the other person, or making sure to communicate by email to have a clear record of what your interactions have included.
DO NOT bring up anything about your relationship at the workplace. Repeat: DO NOT bring up anything about your relationship at the workplace.
Your relationship was outside of the workplace and it should remain there. In the workplace you must remain professional. Again if he chooses to be unprofessional at work that will reflect poorly on him, and should be another reminder of why ending the relationship was the right choice.
If you haven’t already talk with your Human Resources department figure out any policies, procedures and processes you should be following. This will also make HR aware of the situation and help to ensure the workplace environment remains safe for all.
You Want To Work It Out
If the situation is something you want to fix, be ready for a bit of a fight. You will need to sit down with this person and tell them what you need in a relationship, in a Dominant, in a Dom/sub relationship and come to some kind of agreement of how you will both work on this together. More importantly you will need to be solid and hold them to their promises. They might not like it. They might get mad. But if they don’t hold up their side, then you need to walk away completely.
Worst Case Scenario
I truly hope that you and your ex will be able to end this relationship as mature professional adults and move on in an acceptable and appropriate manner. That you will both be able to find working together as colleagues a comfortable and safe experience in the future. However, if things escalate and you feel unsafe than you need to get professionals involved.
Not all manipulative Dominants are dangerous, but most dangerous Dominants have manipulative personalities. In a case of a Dominant being someone who is dangerous, and truly someone who gives you the creeps, you need to do more than just avoid them.
As stated previously you should have spoken with HR about how you should proceed with continuing to work with your ex. They should have given you policies, procedures and processes you need to be following to the letter. These are designed to help protect you and your professional reputation as well as the company’s.
Despite your adherence to the company rules, and HR advisement, you find things getting worst than you should seek out a lawyer with experience in workplace harassment. This will help you make sure you are protected. The lawyer will better be able to advise on the best course of action to take.
Somethings to consider:
Document everything – The more you can document what your conversations have been, the more evidence you will have should you need to talk to the police. Even the smallest things should be written down and considered as being a part of this record.
Let a friend or a few friends know – While you might feel embarrassed, many people have been in situations with people who are not what they appeared to be at first. Talk to your trusted friends about what is happening and they can help support you.
What I want you to remember is that in your dealings with this person from now on, make sure they know you are in control and that you’re not going to back down when it comes to your safety and your needs.
DON’T BACK DOWN.
I wish this was an uncommon situation, but it’s not. The good news is that you’ll get through it, wiser for it.
I hope for a speedy and healthy resolution to your currently situation.
Have you been through a similar experience? What did you do? How did you help resolve the situation? Or do you know of a better way to resolve a breakup in the workplace? Please feel free to share it in the comment section below.
W/we can all grow when W/we share what W/we know.
The founder of the BDSM Training Academy. Master Bishop has been involved in the Dominant/submissive lifestyle for over 15 years. With a love for education both learning and teaching, Master Bishop has passed on his knowledge and experience to others entering into the BDSM lifestyle for over 12 years. Join Master Bishop on Google+
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