I was in a D/s relationship for 3 years until he had to move back to Australia. Now that I have told my new partner that I am submissive, he would like to understand me and the lifestyle as well as he knows that I do not want a vanilla relationship.
He said he has always found it interesting and I was attracted to him as he is naturally a dominant person.
My problem is as a submissive how do I teach him to be Dominant and control me?
I would be very grateful if you could give me some advice on this matter
Master Bishop’s Response
One of the things that boggle my mind about BDSM is this idea that that a Dominant should just ‘know’ what a slave wants. While it’s true that many submissives are interested in the same types of play, they are not all the same person.
This sort of thinking has led a number of submissives like you to have the question of how they can teach a Dominant to control them, but there’s always a hesitation in these questions.
How do you get anyone to know what you like and what you don’t like? YOU TALK TO THEM. You need to sit with this new partner and tell them what you enjoy about being a submissive, the sorts of things you’d like done to you, and what you don’t want them to try with you.
You need to be clear about what gives you pleasure, what gives you a rush, and what turns you off completely. You cannot simply expect a Dominant to just know what you want.
Some submissives I know, and I hope you’re not one of them, will try to manipulate their scenes with a Dominant, saying that they are ‘teaching’ them how to control them. NO. When you give control to someone else, you trust them to do things that will control you. You trust them to keep your limits in mind.
The ONLY times a submissive should speak up during a scene are when they are being physically damaged, when a preset limit is being cross, when your Dominant is asking you a question or when you want to let them know that you really are enjoying what they are doing by thanking them. That’s it. Additionally, if a submissive isn’t getting enough punishment, for example, they should not actively try to be bad in order to get their way.
One way to express what you like doing a scene is to just thank your Dominant for doing what they are doing.
Its called positive feedback and does wonders for letting your Dominant know what you are enjoying.
The best way to educate your boyfriend about what you like is to sit down and talk with your partner about the way that your relationship will work in the context of BDSM. This should be a lengthy conversation that takes place far from the bedroom, not in the middle of having sex. You need time to discuss the needs of both partners and this isn’t something to be done quickly. Once you’ve had this discussion, then you can start to try things out in the bedroom. Some things will work, some will not. It’s a part of the process.
Don’t expect perfection. No Dominant, beginner or experienced will ever be able to give you the exact BDSM scene that you have dreamed about for the past 10 years. There is a big difference between fantasy and reality and you must make sure you understand that before you even start.
It can also help to debrief about a scene after it’s over and the power balance has been restored. In doing so, you will both learn about what you need from each other, and you will be able to create a more satisfying result. Again, this gives you an opportunity to express what you liked and what you didn’t like.
And don’t be afraid to try things that your partner thinks might work (outside of your hard limits, of course), as you might be surprised at what they come up with.
Don’t sit there and think about how you can teach a Dominant to control you. Instead, talk about what turns you on as a submissive and then let them find their own style. Yes, there will be things you might enjoy more than others, but if you’re being controlled, the heart of being submissive, you are most likely to enjoy the results by letting go of that control.
If both you and your partner are new to Dom/sub play, then go here, so the both of you can learn more about BDSM together.
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