We often like to think of doms as the sexy, invincible superheroes of our fantasies. To be led through our BDSM journey by someone calm, confident, and in charge puts us at ease, allowing us to open up and explore in spite of our nervousness or vulnerability.
The reality, of course, is that dom-identifying kinksters are human like the rest of us and need help along the way from time to time. Good BDSM requires a collaborative effort between givers and receivers in order to be satisfying and safe for all participants. If you’re a submissive looking to take your dynamic to a deeper level, here are 8 ways you can help your dom feel comfortable as they lead the way.
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Submissives tend to be focused on pleasing the people they care about. You might be tempted to hold back your true feelings at times as you navigate your dynamic with your partner. If you feel shame or embarrassment about what you want to try in the bedroom, for instance, you might soften your most taboo desires out of fear of judgment. If your dom did something you didn’t enjoy during play, you might lie and pretend to have enjoyed it, not wishing to upset or discourage them.
It’s wonderful to have this kind of empathy and to care about your partner’s feelings, but the instinct to protect them at all costs won’t serve either of you in the long run. Doms aren’t mind readers. They need guidance and feedback in order to lead the dynamic in ways that will keep your sessions fun and fulfilling. There are articles, books, and even fictional kinky stories out there that can help you express yourself if you’re having trouble finding the right words. At the end of the day though, no one can convey your true feelings but you. If you want to enjoy BDSM, honesty is key.
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Communication can feel like a challenge when we’re floating through subspace or navigating the rollercoaster of emotions involved in an intense BDSM session. It’s tempting to check out and completely hand over the reins of control. Unfortunately, this can be dangerous. While your dom is responsible for keeping you safe, they will need you to let them know if you’re approaching a hard limit, the risk of injury, or the possibility of psychological trauma.
Commit to open communication before, during, and after a scene. If you’re not in a good space to play, that’s entirely valid. Let your dom know and hold off until you’re ready to dive in. If you want to stop a scene or steer it in a different direction, use your safewords and safe signals. If there’s something in particular that you want during aftercare, speak up. Your dom, if they care about you, will want you to feel safe and satisfied. Give them the information they need to help you.
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Quite frankly, there are a lot of big egos in the BDSM scene. Too many people get into topping for selfish reasons. They want to be seen as confident and powerful. They want to be worshipped and admired. Being a sub, it’s easy to be under the impression that anyone calling themselves a dom will be dominant in every aspect of their identity all the time, but that’s not how the majority of people work.
Effective, caring, sustainable domination is not an identity, but a service. It’s a form of caregiving that tops and switches choose to take on for the enjoyment of both parties. Doms aren’t robots or kink dispensers who behave in one way no matter the circumstances. No matter how naturally domination comes to them, there will be times when they won’t be able to adhere to the label, just as all submissives have moments when they want to have more control or be in charge. Anticipating this fluidity from your partner will help you both avoid unrealistic expectations. We’re playing with three-dimensional people, not one-dimensional characters.
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To follow up on the last point, doms will need time to recharge between sessions, particularly ones that require high amounts of energy and attention on their part. Some submissives have an insatiable appetite for BDSM and there’s nothing inherently wrong with that, but it’s important to give doms time to relax. If you find yourself always wanting more and this becomes a sticking point, talk with your partner about your kinky libido and see if you can work out ways to compromise. As is the case with sex, it’s common for BDSM partners to find themselves on different pages when it comes to their respective appetites.
Keep in mind also that the enjoyment we derive from BDSM is chemical. Endorphins play a huge role in our experience and, like any other activity that inspires feelings of pleasure, kinky play is often addicting. No matter how high we rise, what goes up must always come down. Becoming aware of your relationship with your cravings for kinky fun will help you regulate your own emotions, allowing you to approach your dom with a fair and realistic approach.
(5)
Doms are expected to be on top of their shit for good reason. Slipping up or playing in careless ways can cause trauma or injury to their submissives. As a bottom, it’s your right (and responsibility, in my opinion,) to hold high standards for the people who top you. Bodies, minds, and hearts can be fragile things.
That said, all doms make mistakes from time to time. It’s impossible to always get it right, so it helps to come to the table expecting occasional mistakes. There are limits, of course. If your dom seems willingly reckless or uncaring in regards to your well-being, I’d strongly advise you never to play with that person again. However, not every snafu is intentional or a dealbreaker. Those experiences could potentially help you two grow closer if you manage to work through them together.
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Your dom, if they’re caring and ethical, will be working hard to craft an experience you’ll enjoy, complete with arousing words, actions, and aftercare. It’s tempting to show up and simply go along for the ride, but keep in mind that doms generally derive comfort and fulfillment from reactions. You don’t have to be an actor or exaggerate your responses, but do stay engaged and participate as an equal creator of your scene.
Roleplay is a great way to get comfortable with this if you’re shy. Embodying a character, like a naughty student, prisoner, or patient at a doctor’s office, can make it easier to explore different activities, sensations, and headspaces. By working together, you and your dom have the potential to create unique kinky memories that will last a lifetime.
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Is your dom sick or going through a rough patch? Even if they’re the stiff-upper-lip type, they’ll likely appreciate being cared for during those times. Make them soup, put on their favorite movie, and shower them with affection. If they just lost their job or experienced a similar blow to their sense of stability, the comfort and reassurance you provide could go a long way to help them feel like themselves again. The last thing they should have to do is worry about domination if they’re genuinely falling apart or under the weather.
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Some subs want it all right away. We want to dive right into the deep end with new partners and explore our most intense fantasies. We want our soft limits explored and pushed by a competent top. Some want the cleansing catharsis that comes with a lot of pain and a good cry. What kinkster wouldn’t be tempted to explore to the fullest extent with the right person as soon as possible? “I want it now now NOW!!”
As exciting as it all is, it takes time and knowledge of a person to get to that point safely. Your dom might have entirely legitimate concerns about taking you too far before they’ve gotten a good sense of your limits and desires. Sometimes talking through their hesitation helps, but other times, all you can do is wait.
Life is about the journey, not the destination, and the same can be said for BDSM. Safe travels!
By Molly Lazarus
Molly Lazarus is a sex blogger, kink educator, and erotic fiction author. Her website, Kink Out Loud, serves as a resource for readers who are curious about BDSM or new to the practice. Offline, Molly acts as Volunteer Coordinator for the Bay Area chapter of Kinky Salon. You can follow her on Facebook and Pinterest, or browse her fiction on Amazon.
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