Remembering Relationship in BDSM Dynamics

In my years in BDSM, I have been blessed to experience 5 relationship dynamics. These dynamics spanned both the vanilla and kink worlds. We knew each other at a basic level, at an intimate level, and, of course, at a kink level.

We cared about more than just how well we did impact play together, or how great our Shibari looked. We cared about each other’s lives, dreams, hopes, and desires. When these dynamics were good, they were great, but when they weren’t it could feel like my whole world was crashing down.

Recently I reflected on these dynamics, on what made something so amazing go so wrong, and why the one of them that lasted is still so strong, and I realized it was all because of the relationship. We could do as much spanking, rope play, bondage, protocol, and domestic servitude as we wanted, but once we let the relationship side go, so did the dynamic.

Let’s dive a little deeper into why, and what you can do to help keep the bond strong in your dynamic.

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What is a BDSM Relationship Dynamic?

So a BDSM relationship dynamic differs from just a BDSM dynamic in that it entails, well, a relationship.

This might be a romantic relationship between intimate partners or even married partners, or it can just be a friendship, but it is something more than just a play partner. In these dynamics you usually see each other outside of kink space or a play scene. You know more than just each others kinks, limits, and favorite spanking position.

You know about each other lives, wishes, maybe even a favorite color or movie. In these dynamics you reach out to each other not just for some kinky fun, but for support, a smile, or just to chat.

How does kink come in?

Well this can differ between dynamics. The most typical is that the dynamic is part of the relationship. Perhaps it’s 24/7, or there are always rules in place, or titles are always used, but usually the dynamic and relationship are intertwined. There are some cases of relationship dynamics where the dynamic is only in the home, or only in the bedroom, or perhaps only when the kids are asleep, but still there is a relationship and there is a dynamic. The specifics of how this works out is up to the partners.

Before I go into these examples of my experiences with relationship dynamics going good, and going bad, I want to remind you these are my experiences. They are what worked for me and my partners, and may not be exactly the same for you and your partner, or partners. I just hope in some way my experience can help you, but it does not mean my experience is the right, or only, one.

Lessons from my Friendship Dynamics

I have had two intense friendship dynamics. One, I am still in, and one quickly fell apart. The experience of the two has taught me a lot about the importance of investing in friendship as much as you do in kink. So, let’s dive into the juicy stories.

When it’s all going good

Let’s start with the dynamic I am blessed to still be in.

We began with Him being my disciplinarian. I wasn’t in a place to really trust anyone, so I assumed it would purely just be kink. Not the amazing friendship I have now. It started with me just being spanked for not keeping up with things like diet, exercise, or self-care, and it was great.

Slowly, though, I began to open up to Him. I began to come to Him before I would do things I shouldn’t. I began to share my fears, my worries, my hopes, and my dreams. I also went through some major life events and He was there, by my side. Checking in on me, encouraging me, even calling me when I needed it.

We began to talk about more than just kink. If you look over our conversations they went from being 80% about discipline and spankings, to now being probably 20% kink and 80% us just being people with each other. He makes sure to check in with me every day, check how doctors visits and dates go. He is there for me through anything, and yes, He still spanks me when I need it.

I still call him Sir. And I am still submissive to Him, that has never changed. Our friendship has just grown as much as our kink bond has.

In fact, our friendship only enhanced our dynamic. Now me having to be spanked isn’t just kinky discipline, it is me letting Him down and making Him have to spank me. It may seem like a small difference, but it has made all the difference.

The discipline has major effects now because I feel it at a deeper level. I swear, our friendship got stronger, and His swing did too. However, I know that is not the case. It is just that I care about Him and He cares about me on a deeper level than just spankings, and that gives them a deeper purpose and meaning.

He has become like a father figure in my life and it is because every day since the first day He spanked me over a year ago, He has never missed a good morning. Almost every night has said goodnight. And if He didn’t hear from me, He checked in on me. Even when I moved across the country He was there every day, making sure I was okay. And when it didn’t work out and I had to move back, He was there every day helping me heal.

When someone is there that much for you, you not only can’t resist caring for them, but you also can’t help not wanting to let them down. When our relationship began I looked forward to our spankings, now I look forward to our chats and banter, but would prefer He doesn’t have to spank me, or at least that it’s a “good girl” one.

When it begins to fall apart

Before finding the disciplinarian I just described, I had another one. At one point we were amazing friends.

He checked in on me every day, when I was sick He even brought over juice and food. We spent time of course doing spankings, but we also spent time going to get coffee, hiking at a mountain I live nearby, and just having fun. We weren’t romantically attracted to each other at all, but our friendship was very strong.

Then, I went through a bumpy patch and needed discipline more often, which He delivered. He started having to work on the weekends, which meant we weren’t able to just hang out, so the only times we were together was for discipline and spanking. This only lasted about 3 or 4 weeks, but that was enough to change everything.

Suddenly, the focus of our dynamic became purely about spankings. I no longer reached out to him if I needed help, He no longer checked in on me, and before you knew it, it had been 2 weeks and we hadn’t seen each other.

I had been doing well and didn’t need discipline, and we had just lost the friendship, because we stopped making time for it. We prioritized spanking over our friendship, and things just fell apart. The next time He spanked me it just felt, different. Yes, it hurt, I mean it was a spanking after all, but it just hurt differently. It just felt like pick up play at the dungeon. There was no connection, no intimacy, no meaning to it. It was just a spanking.

As time passed we just drifted apart. We may have a spanking here or spanking there, but eventually, it all just stopped. It wasn’t that His spankings changed, or He got less implements (in fact during this time He got a few new ones). We just lost the relationship part of our dynamic, and with that our dynamic itself.

Looking back I would take back those last few spankings, just to grab a coffee, chat and be the great friends we were before. Because I know if we had built our friendship as much as we built our implement collection, we would still be playing together.

Lessons from Romantic Relationships

In additionship to friendship dynamics, I have had a few romantic ones as well, and my romantic ones were the most intimate relationships I have ever been in. The deepest connection I had was in my first dynamic.

When it all went good
On the dynamic side we started D/s, and slowly moved into an M/s dynamic. We lived our lifestyle close to 24/7. Rules were always in place, titles were used when in appropriate settings, and my Sir was my Sir or my Master always.

Beyond the dynamic, we were also totally in love. We went out to dinner, to movies, to weddings, and also had staycations, and cuddled, and had movie nights in. To the vanilla world we were two people in love, and in the kink world I was a slave who was totally devoted to her Master.

After this relationship I had other M/s dynamics which lacked the strong bond my first Master and I had and that is because we did not have the relationship part. The M/s dynamics were solely kink and nothing more. 

Knowing my Master knew me completely, my hopes, my dreams, my fears, and even small things like my favorite color or coffee order, it made me love Him and serve Him more.

Our relationship didn’t just happen either. We took the time to invest in it. We had nights where the focus wasn’t kink, but was on our bond. In these moments He was still my Master, but He was also the Man I loved. I truly believe these evenings just watching TV, or going out to dinner, or going bowling, is what led to the intimate dynamic we had. We had couples in the community always coming up to us asking us how our connection was so strong, and my Master would always answer, “Because I love her, I remind her I love her, and she knows I love her.” And, as with most things, He was right.

I wanted to serve Him because of my love for Him. I wanted to please Him because I love Him. I wanted to make sure He was happy, because He was the love of my life. And I trusted Him with my submission because I knew He loved me. On those nights without whips, chains, and rope, when He held my hand, kissed my forehead, and told me He loved me, those were the moments which made it so easy to serve Him.

When it starts going bad
For this part, I am going to focus on another dynamic I was in. The story of my first dynamic is beautiful and powerful, but is better saved for another topic. For now, we are going to focus on my most recent dynamic (I know how ironic). We were also deeply in love.

We started with long distance, so we did the best we could with what we had. Phone calls every night, a goodnight routine, online date nights, texts throughout the day and, of course, trips to see each other.

He made me laugh when I felt like crying, knew just what to say to make a good day bad, and we were very much in love. He met my friends and even the father-like disciplinarian I spoke of earlier. They all saw our love, and all supported me when I moved across the country to be with him.

But the moment I had unpacked my boxes, it’s like we stopped trying. Because we were living with each other now, obviously our kink side was more active. Rules were easier for him to enforce, it was easier for me to serve, and sharing the same bed, it was easier to do some other kinky things as well. Which, at the start, was amazing. But, slowly, things started changing.

As real life became busy, and we got so invested in kinky bed time, we no longer made time for our relationship. I mean, yes, we were around each other because we lived together, but we never made time for just us. We did yard work together, or ran errands, but we never made time to just go on dates, or cuddle and watch TV with each other.

Our relationship slowly became just about our rules, protocols, and spankings, no longer about two people in love. We both felt the connection fading and this then led us to go even deeper into kink, thinking that would solve the problem. We got new kink toys, tried new kinks out, tried to make stricter rules, anything we could think of, but we were focusing on the wrong thing. We were investing in kink, when it was our relationship which needed work, so obviously it failed. Over time, the rules began to fade, spankings became less and maintenance spankings were skipped altogether, there was no more protocols, and, as much as this hurts to say, I no longer had a desire to serve.

Eventually, we ended it all and I moved back across the country. For a long time we both wondered what happened. We started talking again at the start of this year, and our relationship is actually what inspired this writing, because we realized what was most crucial to our relationship dynamic being successful, was the actual relationship.

What I have learned

In BDSM relationship dynamics, relationships matter.

Yes, the whips, chains, rules, bondage, and all those other wonderful kinks do matter, but the relationship that makes these kinks that much better, matters even more.

It is important you get to know the submissive behind the collar, or the Dominant behind the belt. You have to remember to invest in each other, to make time for each other, and to remember you both are people.

If it is friendship, it means reaching out if you haven’t heard from each other. Maybe skipping, or delaying, a rope session to go grab some coffee and chat. If it is a romantic relationship, it means finding times for those quiet moments between the both of you. The times cuddled on the couch watching movies. Or going on walks in the neighborhood. Maybe even going out to dinner, or bowling. Whatever makes you both feel happy and connected when the cuffs, ropes, and implements are away. It doesn’t matter what it is, it just matters that you make time for it.

Here are some ideas of how to make sure you don’t let your relationship fade behind the kink:

The Bottom Line

If you are in a BDSM relationship dynamic, don’t forget about the relationship that started it all. Invest in your relationship like you would in learning a new kink, because, after all, you are learning about each other. Make time for each other, time for your relationship, and your kink time will be that much better.
Bratty Ann

By Bratty Ann

Bratty Ann has been in the Dominant/submissive lifestyle for 4 years serving as a slave, a pet, a submissive, and, of course, a brat. She has developed a deep passion for the lifestyle and for educating others on keeping it safe, sane, and consensual. Her favorite topics to educate on include domestic discipline, taming brats, and mental health in BDSM.

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By reading and accepting this article you agree to all of the following: You understand that this is simply a set of opinions, personal experience and anecdotal evidence (and not advice). You are responsible for any use of the information in this article, and hold BDSMTrainingAcademy.com and all members and affiliates harmless in any claim or event.

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1 thought on “Remembering Relationship in BDSM Dynamics”

  1. I loved your story I would love to become a mistress or is it a dominant. I have not learned the two enough. I’m in my 50s and my husband has even me permission to have someone but I do and don’t want anyone but I keep getting men in my face. So I want that pleasure of control. Can you help me?

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